Heartbreaker
by Nadja Lee
Summary: Scott thinks about Jean’s desire to flirt with men.


Heartbreaker                                               

By Nadja Lee                                     22/10/01

English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.

Disclaimer: "X-men" and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Disclaimer: "Heartbreaker" was sung by Dionne Warwick and belong to the artist, the songwriters and the record company and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.

Timeline: Set in the movie universe. After the movie.    

Universe: Set in the movie universe; NOT the book which goes with it.

Romance: Scott/Jean

Summary: Scott thinks about Jean's desire to flirt with men

Archiving: Want, ASK, take,  have.

Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is nadjalee2000@usa.net 

Rating: PG-13

Part 1:

Why? I'll really like to know. Was it something I did? Something I said? I have doubts in my mind but now I realize…never is one at fault alone. I didn't do this damage. I know I didn't. Not all of it anyway.

I cry, I suffer and I die…all for you. I live only for you. So, why? Why do you have to be a heartbreaker? Why? Wasn't I enough? What was missing? I did all you asked of me, I was all you wanted me to be.

Love should be everything or nothing at all. I never got your everything, I got what was left, what you didn't give them. I was too much in love before to see but I can see clearly now; my pain has killed the love I felt for you. 

You were killing me, killing me softly. Every look you cast after another, every kiss…every time you slept with someone…. you bore a dagger through my heart and I bled. Lord, how I bled.

I made a life out of loving you and you made a life out of hurting me. Some lessons you never learn but this one I've finally gotten after 5 years; you do not love me. Love is everything or nothing at all. I NEED everything. I gave you my everything; don't I deserve yours in return?

When I was warm you wanted cold, when I was cold you wanted warmth. When I plead with you, you wanted a 'real' man, when I cried you left, when I demanded you got mad. Tell me; could I ever have won? Would anyone have done it right? I tried. I tried so hard but everything I did was wrong. You gave them more warmth in 10 minutes than you ever gave me.

Give and take; it should balance or one breaks down. We didn't balance. You're a taker; I'm a giver. It doesn't work like that. I can't just give and you can't just take. Now I've learned how to take, maybe one day you'll learn how to give.

Why? Why do you do this? You had everything I didn't; money, a great family that loves you, a title, respect…everything. What are you missing? What are you looking for that I can't give you?

You always said words are poor but I don't think so. I need words, I needed to hear you say them but you never did. Maybe I should feel sorry for you because you can't bring yourself to say those words but right now I don't have that in me anymore. 

Maybe one day I'll understand…and forgive. But not now, not today and not tomorrow. The wound is too fresh. I can take no more. I WON'T take anymore. I may keep your feet on the ground but you never taught me how to fly. I need to fly, I want to fly.   

If I was a shrink I'll try and understand. Try to find the reason to why you act as you do. Maybe your parents expected too much of you, maybe it's a midlife crisis, you are 35 after all, maybe you are plain just not satisfied with one man. I don't know and frankly, my dear…I don't care. 

I would have died for you; I would do anything for you, be anything for you. You had me in the palm of your hands…but your desire made me escape.

I loved you since I first saw you when I was just a boy at some 17 years. 5 years I've tried to be what you wanted me to be and apparently I've failed. I know who Scott the boy was…maybe it's time I find Scott the man for I know…the person who looks back at me in the mirror isn't him. It is the image of your wishes, of Xavier's wishes…not my own. Never my own.

I HATE doctors, dentists and psychologists. Why? Because they'll just tell me I'm sick, in one way or another. After all, I've been with you for 5 years and I *knew* that you was like this; I knew you'll hurt me yet still I fell in love. Why? Maybe I wanted the pain…thoughts like that is why I never psychoanalyze myself. 

It's too late for talking, too late for apologies. I can't care anymore. I just wish I knew why? You made all the rules and one of them seemed to be to hurt me. I wish I understood why?

I remember a story someone at the orphanage told me. It goes like this:

A scorpion came to a river and met a frog. 

"Help me cross the river. Carry me across," the scorpion asked.

"No. You'll sting me," the frog denied.

"No, I won't because then we'll both drown," the scorpion promised.

So the frog began to carry the scorpion across the river but when they were halfway the scorpion stung the frog.

 "Why? Why did you do that?" the frog gasped.

"I don't know. Maybe it's just my nature," the scorpion smiled sadly.

You don't understand it? Well, I didn't think you would.

Anyway, all has been said. No, not cry. Don't. Don't make a scene. Not now. We're past all that. Here, wipe your nose. That's it. You're beautiful, Jean. Schhhhh. All will be fine. 

I have to go now. No, I have everything. Yes, I do have to leave. I need to find myself and I can't do that here. Take care. 

No, don't say it. Not now. Don't say 'I love you'. We both know it's too late.

Way too late.

But why?

Why the Hell did you have to be a heartbreaker?

The End


End file.
